“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
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The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
are they though??
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
happy valentine’s day to me
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?