When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
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After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
#CatsOnTwitter
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)