We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
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I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.