Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
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It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…