@Test_of_Steron: Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
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@Jen_says_nah: Texts friend: sorry, I'm running late. Friend: no problem, let me know when you're on your way. [ 6 weeks later] Ok I've left.
@heyevergreen: if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
@myonlymizztake: My date didn't go as planned and now I don't know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
@juliussharpe: I just gave my kid ice cream because she wouldn't stop crying. Sorry, whoever she winds up marrying.