These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
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A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me