@alrightjam: Will you date me? breathe if yes, swim across the atlantic ocean while reciting the bible in japanese if no
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@dafloydsta: INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks? ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card? INTERVIEWER: holy shit
@chuchugoogoo: idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
@ShittyComedian: Anytime I'm using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, "Did you bring the lube?" As loud as possible.