One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
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*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Before crowbars crows drank alone
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”