Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
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I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.