Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
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Pronouncing “driest” like priest
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no