Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
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[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
I think we should hear other voices.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
No way!
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”