FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
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I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally