The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
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Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
…u ok Nintendo?
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
My patronus is a cheeseburger