Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
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Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.