windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
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stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
only 11 steps left
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”