windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
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Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.