[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
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What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Yup.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor