@o__0Dev: Wine doesn't have many vitamins. That's why you have to drink a lot of it.
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@xofreckles: Lesson learned: toddlers don't understand sarcasm. As a side note, don't say 'bite me' around toddlers that don't understand sarcasm
@OhNoSheTwitnt: [coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle] Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop. [puts in earbuds]
@DamonHunzeker: The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
@internetluke: [finds money in jacket] nice [finds more money in pants] Today is my day. On a roll Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?