Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
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Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
😬
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.