[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
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If you want my opinion ask my wife
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.