If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
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The Struggle
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
It’s the weekend y’all
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.