(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
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Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.