I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
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There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
It’s an epidemic…
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.