Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
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[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
I have a new favorite meme page
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Smile they said.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Yup.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
When can I start eating bats again.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.