Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
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Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?