Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
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Sharon I have some bad news
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
It’s actually Dr. whatever
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here