Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
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I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns