@Sean_Burgundy_: Winning a fight with your gf is like winning a vacation to Detroit. Don't get too excited
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@internetluke: [plane] "Is there a doctor on board?" Im a doctor "Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att- Of fine arts "What?" Doctor of Fine Arts
@Fred_Delicious: [penguin waddles into computer repair store] "Hi yes my laptop is frozen" ... Computer repair guy - "how did you get to Milwaukee"
@SadPeruna: If I was a magician I'd ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.