@Sean_Burgundy_: Winning a fight with your gf is like winning a vacation to Detroit. Don't get too excited
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@ScreaminZeman: When I go out to eat I wear a shirt w/ a picture of me shirtless on it, because I hate rules but I like service.
@XplodingUnicorn: 3-year-old: I can’t run as fast as everybody else. Me: Why not? 3-year-old: I don’t have enough feet.
@AtticusFinch79: [bakery] Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers! Me: Definitely not happy tears Him: What? Me: What?