Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
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I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
ok like just. call me at this point
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.