*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
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Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.