*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
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Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
It do be feeling this way.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
I hope google does well on my son’s test