* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
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Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
ACED my prostate exam!
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.