* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
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just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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I would like even faster food.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.