The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
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disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front