Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
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How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.