Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
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Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD