@BruceForce: Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
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@JohnLyonTweets: Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire. Me: *gives her recipe for my mom's peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
@nickcreelman: Coworker: it's dark already Me: I know, Dan. I have eyes CoW: it's only 5 'o clock Me: I KNOW DAN CoW: it's early Me: THAT'S HOW EARTH WORKS
@QwertyJones3: [first date] HER: Do you have any hobbies? ME: Yes! Wait, did you say "hobbits"? HER: No, hobbies ME: Oh, then no