Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
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Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.