Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
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when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
When ur friends with white people
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁