[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
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Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Webb. James Webb.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.