*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
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Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.