I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
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Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Watson was Holmes schooled
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
I’m literally crying
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
The struggle is real.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
dam girl
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.