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@ventivodkacran: *wipes pizza grease & sauce off mouth*
@ChrisThayerSays: I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
@fart: "my favorite bon jovi song? oh its definitely the one where it sounds like a computer is trying to talk while burping"
@OhNoSheTwitnt: "I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-"
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
@murrman5: [overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he's always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
@kyry5: The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.