[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
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Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.