Wireless bra? What’s the password?
You Might Also Like
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
no one ever comes back
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”