Wireless bra? What’s the password?
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YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
*seductively eats two tums*
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.