WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
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“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Camping tip: No.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered