@DevilryFun: Wish a poltergeist would move in so there'd be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
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@MomOnFire: Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day? Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
@VerifiedDrunk: Twitter handles are what would happen if the DMV let everyone put whatever they wanted on their license plates.
@Jessdaisy: Current relationship status: Leaving pizza and beer in the bushes, to lure in stalkers.