-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
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i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing