wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
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[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
The smoothest fall of all time
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope