wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
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News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.