Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
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I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.