Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
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At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!