Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
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I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
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Phew
Phew
PhewThe Chosen Phew
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.