@UrbanDouchebag: Wish I had a dollar for every time I've heard, "Actually sir, we have you on camera."
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@abbymedlock: I can't stand this long distance relationship anymore. Fridge, you're coming to my room.
@ComedicBust: *Speed Dating* Me: What'd you have for lunch? Her: Funny you should ask, I had this really great salad wit... Me: NEXT!!
@slyoung5: Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
@Matt_the_1st: It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim