@UrbanDouchebag: Wish I had a dollar for every time I've heard, "Actually sir, we have you on camera."
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@iwearaonesie: my brother turned 30 this weekend and i'll never forget what mom said when dad told her we're growing up too fast "they're eating dog food"
@ilovepie84: My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
@NYC_Blonde: If you say "I don't feel good" and a pregnant woman says "Me neither," DO NOT respond with "Yeah, but you chose this for yourself..."
@mynameisntdave: I can't wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn't have to deal with it.